Why Smart Women End Up in Lives They Don’t Love

The other day, I sat across from a woman in a kitchen that looked like it belonged in a design magazine. White marble counters. Fresh flowers. All the newest and tech-iest.

She had the career, the husband, the house, the degrees, the vacations, the fancy gym membership, the luxury bags.

And she suddenly deflated, like holiday lawn decor when the power fails. All the color drained, and her “on” face and presence was gone.

She started talking as if she couldn’t believe she was actually daring to say all this. Eyes darting left and right, wondering whether anyone else was silently listening somewhere.

At one point she laughed-not-laughed and said, “I think I built a life I was supposed to want,” and laughed that laugh that’s more an exhale and a sigh. “I mean no one did it to me, I did it all by myself.”

I hear versions of that thought all the time from smart, capable women — who look and are successful from the outside.

They’re the role-model women who can answer three texts, solve a crisis, and organize dinner while everyone else is still figuring out what's happening.

They’re also the introverts masking as super-extraverts because it’s a requirement to get to the next level.

I meet a lot of women who start feeling like they’ve gotten typecast in the wrong movie. They’re suddenly feeling allergic to life as they know it – or, as my friend said, “as I’ve created it.”

How can it be that I keep meeting so many of these women? Easy. Because they’re all among us with their outward-facing face on, holding it together, thinking the rewards (or potential rewards) are worth it.

Until they start crying at random times “for no reason,” start losing their temper “for no reason,” or their body/health starts rebelling “for no reason.”

Why do women gradually start waking up from the dream and realizing they don’t actually like the life they worked so hard to create?

And one of my answers might seem kind of weird. It’s because they succeeded at being someone else for too long.

When the “Good Girl” Life Plan Works Too Well

Is this you? (Or maybe you think it’s the antithesis of you – but it’s still you.)

You become responsible early. (Or, you keep trying to get their approval, but it’s never good enough.)

Maybe people praise you for being mature – from the age of 6. (Or, they keep telling you to “act like an adult” – but you’re only 6.)

You learn how to read a room. (Or you keep trying.)

You learn how to anticipate needs. (Or you learn to imitate what everyone else does.)

You learn how to keep the peace. (Or to just hide in your room.)

You get on your own and figure out how to make it all work for you (whether you really like it or not). Because you’re already kind of exhausted, and you don’t want to have to start all over again.

Whether things just seem to fall into your lap or you struggle-bus for years, you’re excellent at pushing through exhaustion. Excellent at delayed gratification.

You want people to say, she’s so beautiful, she’s so talented, she’s so charming, but people usually describe you as independent, strong, disciplined — fill in the blank.

And those words felt good at first – or maybe more of a consolation prize. Maybe you really just wanted to be everyone’s (or at least one person’s) favorite? That magnetic person that everything came so easy for.

Things you want people to love about you? The things that aren’t about you performing a service, but about you just being you.

Here’s the Twist:

Since they’re not seeing the secret you, you start figuring that maybe what you love and value don’t really matter.

You stop asking, “What do I want?” because who you are and what you want, by all empirical evidence, just ends up doesn’t seem to matter. When you do let the inner you come out, it seems like the people who are supposed love you most only tolerate that version of you — or maybe even make fun of her.

“What would be cool? What would be amazing?” turns into “What makes sense? What’s acceptable? What am I allowed to do?”

The real you recedes into the background. It’s just not practical. It might even start feeling like no one in your life really loves what’s the best and most unique about you. No one cares about what actually makes you “you.”

For a while, it feels good when people say you’re such a professional, such a good partner, such a good friend, or such a good mom. But you’ve lost the heart and soul of you.

And only in those rare moments in the kitchen with a friend, does something trigger the fact that you’re wearing a mask a lot of the time.

The Downside of Keeping Everyone Else Happy

If you give everyone else’s preferred version of you all the bandwith, there are usually side-effects.

Most women start to feel the weight of the sacrifice – and maybe the career or the life or the status ends up not giving you what everyone told you it would.

How do you compensate? There are so many forms of escape: binging the latest blockbuster series, shopping that doesn’t give the temporary high it once did, substances to mitigate the discomfort or pain, or that secret self-distructive thing you don’t want anyone to know about.

You feel restless. You feel irritated for no clear reason. You fantasize about changing everything and then immediately talk yourself out of it.

You tell yourself: “I should be grateful. So many people would give anything to have what I have.”

Meanwhile your whole nervous system feels like a blender that won’t shut off.

When Delayed-Gratification Ends Up Being Forever

“I can handle it.” “Just hang in there a little while longer.” “Maybe it’s me.” “What can I do to fix this?”

That mindset turns normal life challenges into life sentences.

Because yes, it’s true: you can handle it and you can usually fix it (in ways where you take the fall for everyone else).

You can put up with

the relationship that gives you crumbs
the job that drains you
the endless emotional labor
the family demands
the pressure
the primary responsibility for everything.

You can keep patching things up and staying in the game. You can keep “holding space.”

But what’s the reward?

Yes, I know, for women in our society there isn’t supposed to be a reward. Service is supposed to be the reward — but, if you don’t agree with that, you’ve come to the right place.

So, What Happens When You Decide to Let Things Slide — On Purpose?

In my manifesting offerings, signature program Reign, and tarot work with women, we start with the premise that there’s a letting go that has to happen before you can live your dreams (and end the endless cycle of gratification delay).

Part of what I help women do is create the softest possible landing for you, so you can feel safe enough to proceed toward whatever real happiness is for you.

Because, everybody loves (read: takes advantage of) the strong woman, until she has the presence of mind and heart to make some small changes.

Then suddenly everybody gets uncomfortable. Because your willingness to take on responsibilities that should belong to others? It benefits everyone except you. And they don’t want that to end.

So when you finally say: “I don’t want this anymore,” people act shocked.

Even when you’ve been fading in plain sight for years.

I think that’s why so many women reach a point in midlife where they feel angry without knowing exactly why. The anger doesn’t come out of nowhere.

It comes from decades of self-abandonment dressed up as responsibility.

You Can Outgrow a Life Without Anything Being “Wrong”

Sometimes women stay stuck because they think they need a dramatic reason to change. They reason: “It’s not so bad,” “I’d be greedy to want more,” or, “What if I try this and end up losing everything.”

Often there’s no affair. No “real” abuse. No catastrophic event. No last straw.

Everything looks “fine” or fine enough to everyone else.

But, guess what? You absolutely can outgrow a career, a relationship, a version of yourself, a dream, or an identity without anything technically being “wrong.”

Sometimes your soul just starts tapping you on the shoulder like: “We’re done here.”

And if you ignore that voice long enough, your body usually starts speaking louder, in any of a number of ways:

exhaustion
brain fog
resentment
irritability
restlessness
or even the urge to disappear for a month.

None of that is random.

Why Smart Women Stay Too Long

There are so many ways we can stay years or decades too long in a variety of circumstances: jobs, marriages, friendships, cities, routines, identities, and so much more.

So many places in life that we can end up deeply knowing, this isn’t me.

There are many hypotheses for why we stay. And I think a big one is the sunk-cost fallacy.

The longer we stay, and the more we’ve already invested, the more difficult it feels (and the more foolish it can feel) to pivot.

And, what if.

What if there isn’t a better partner? What if there isn’t a better job? What if I’ll fail if I try to ________________________?

The Moment Everything Gets Better

It’s the moment you’re able to say it out loud, by yourself, in the car, on a walk, in your journal that

“I can’t keep living like this.”

“This life isn’t me anymore.”

“I need more — it scares the hell out of me, but I need more.”

You start to be very clear that this is your one human life and the fact that you know something is very wrong is your sign from source, god, your guides, or your inner being that it’s time to do something.

If you’ve already done all the information-collecting of podcasts, books, and expert advice, would you consider just one more thing?

Why the Usual Manifestation Advice Hasn’t Helped

A lot of manifestation advice tells women to think positive,visualize harder, raise their vibration, repeat affirmations, or do some form of vague and ritualistic practice for x number of days.

But none of this works if your current life patterns are exhaustion, obligation, and self-denial.

You can’t create a life that excites you while constantly abandoning yourself to maintain everybody else’s comfort and do what you’re “supposed to.”

The real first steps I recommend are telling yourself the truth, noticing patterns you keep repeating, paying attention to what drains you, and daring to admit what you actually want.

You can decide that all of what you’re feeling is totally acceptable (and even necessary).

Not what sounds impressive or what photographs well, but what really makes you feel alive right now.

From this new vision, the next steps start to line up for you. The right information crosses your path at the right time. The right allies and collaborators show up for you.

If This Sounds Like You — But Also Feels Scary as Hell

You do not need to blow up your entire life tomorrow.

You probably don’t need to quit your job, move to Bali, or start wearing feral outfits while harvesting moon water on Instagram.

But you do need to tell yourself the truth. To be the person who loves you most of all.

Are you ready to be your own favorite person?

Sometimes one conversation changes things more than another six months of overthinking.

My Manifestation Accelerator sessions help you get clear on one area of your life that feels stuck, unsatisfying, or out of alignment with who you are now.

We look at the patterns underneath the problem, the choices keeping you trapped, and the next move that actually releases the gridlock.

Sometimes what feels stuck isn't actually stuck. You're just pushing on the wrong door.

Oh, and here’s the free option if you’re not ready to chat with me on a video call.